Love is a Verb.

February 2010: metroSPIRIT

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Love is a Verb; an Action

 The Merriam Webster dictionary defines "love" as, "a strong feeling of affection for another person". The word is classified as a noun. My thought is that "love," in the long-term, should be classified as a verb; an action. Love in our lives is created by the type of energy we put into our surroundings. The presence of love in our lives is a transformational gift. The gift of love can last a lifetime if we choose to act in a way that perpetuates the gift, but that doesn't happen by accident. We are the creators of love by how we treat ourselves and how we treat those around us.  

When I got divorced fifteen years ago, I decided to observe and spend time around couples who seemed to have the skills to make their love last for a lifetime. I have always thought that long-term love is the most beautiful. The thoughts in this article are some of my observations over the years.

-Ellen Goodman

Love Really is Magic

Love in our lives whether from a partner, a spouse, a friend, or a parent, is transformational. Love is always real. Sometimes love changes form but the change of form does not take away from the magic. We can develop the emotional skills to keep the magic of love in our lives. We can deal with the disappointment of loving those who do not have such skills or who do not choose to love us. Love is always a winning strategy. If love is not returned in one instance, continue to love and continue to prepare to find love elsewhere on your journey. Surround yourself with love. It is there. Love is not always in the form that we expect or want, but it surrounds us if we are open. Sometimes we are so busy hanging onto the fantasy of the love we want from one particular person, we overlook how much love we have in our lives.

More Love is Always What is Needed

A friend of mine once said to me, "More love is always what is needed."  We practiced that principle in many situations over the past year and truly found that the more love that we sent out, the more we were surrounded by love. In many instances, we witnessed the power of love. Have you ever noticed how unattractive negativity and criticism is? No matter how much we think our criticism is well placed, the response to it is unlikely to be love!

I had lunch with a friend last summer. He was having some challenges with his partner. I knew that he loved her very much. I suggested that he speak with love and affirmation as much as possible. He said, "What if I do that and she doesn't do the same back?" My answer was, "If you are really providing love and affirmation, it is likely that it will come back, but if you don't provide that, you can be sure that it won't." Go first!

Love in the Long Term is Romantic 

I recently visited a friend of mine who is suffering from dementia and living in a memory facility. On my last visit, she no longer knew who I was. While I was there, her husband of sixty years was visiting her and tending to her. The two of them continued to talk like newlyweds. As we walked out, he said, "Do you know what it is like to lose your wife while she is still alive?"

Love in the Present Moment Always

A year ago, a 38-year-old friend of mine walked upstairs and never came back down. Immediately before this past Christmas, a 47-year-old client died of a heart attack. Be aware always of the sudden turns that life may take. Always part company with those that you love in a manner that you would be proud of if they never saw you again. 

Have High Standards but Realistic Expectations

I recently read a study about how expectations for a partner have changed over the past hundred years. In the early twentieth century, college students were asked what they were looking for in a spouse. The answers were lists of virtues such as kind, honest, and trustworthy. By the 1950s, the most common answer was I want love. When asked to define love, the responses related to the thrill desired from a partner more than characteristics that might constitute a good partner over forty or fifty years. More recently, the answers were I want to be with my soulmate, and I want him/her to inspire me every single day.

Can you imagine being expected to inspire your partner every single day? You are likely to have many days where you will be thinking, "Isn't it good enough that I am trustworthy and hardworking and honest?"

While the divorce rate remains high, it is still treated as an aberration. While standards should be high, our expectations should be realistic. What are the characteristics of a guy that would be looking out for his wife when she can't remember anything anymore? What type of gal will be interesting to talk to when we are in our 80s?